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What is Self-Involvement ? The fourth male attribute, Self-Involvement (see me, hear me, touch me, feel me), is a direct derivative or one possible outcome of the conflict of masculine insecurity. Merely knowing one is a man is not enough protection against one's own feminine desires-one has to also demonstrate it repeatedly to oneself. But even that's not enough: one also has to show it in Technicolor to the rest of the world. Obviously, women too need to be seen, recognized, and admired. But whereas female narcissism often reflects our society's interest in physical appearance, beauty, and aesthetics, male narcissism is more about our obsession with strength, power, and achievement. What greed is to capitalism, narcissism is to personal growth. Healthy, even excessive self-love is the psychic engine for courage and achievement. In its expansiveness and eagerness to please, it even creates generosity. But narcissism has a bad name for a reason. One acquaintance, a highly successful surgeon, casually told me in front of his wife and teenage children, "In the past fifteen years I've cared about nothing except my career, not even my wife and children." It is this kind of brutal honesty that leads us to assume that the main problem with the self-centered narcissist is his lack of regard for others. But interestingly, this kind of man always ends up hurting himself. We all know someone like that: a man in his fifties or sixties who is confronted by, or trying to avoid confronting, the tragic sense that after devoting his life to being the best provider to his family, he now feels estranged from his wife and alienated from his children. The Greek figure of Icarus defied his father's admonition by flying too close to the sun. His wax wings melted and he fell into the sea. In his quest to feel good about himself, the daring, oblivious, self-centered man sets out to defy reality. His eventual fall, therefore, marks the all-important psychological meeting place of narcissism and masochism. For many men the accumulation of wealth and its outward manifestations are sufficient evidence of self-value. But others seek to enhance their self-esteem by testing the limits of their most fragile asset-the human body. Such men may engage in sexual activities with great youthful exuberance, not for purposes of intimacy, but as a means of conquering the fear of aging and decay. So much like man's primordial fantasy of flying, the male sexual pursuit can serve to deny our limitations and to bolster our illusion of immortality. Notwithstanding its lofty existential origins, this dynamic presents many practical problems. For starters, denying our mortality only brings it closer to us. This is all too apparent in the tendency of young men to feel invincible and to engage in such risky behaviors as smoking, fighting, and driving under the influence. The "unsinkable" Titanic is another example of the possible outcome of this type of male arrogance. In the sexual realm, when an older man has an affair with a young woman in order to borrow her youthfulness, chances are he ends up feeling like a "dirty old man." Resolving conflicts arising from men's self-involvement is critical to having successful relationships with men-at the workplace or in the love space. In trying to do so, I believe, much can be learned from the therapist who complements his empathic acceptance of the self-involved man with a confrontation of his grandiose defenses. Loving someone for who he is and admiring his real achievements mandate that we also reject and attack his exaggerated sense of self-importance. Of course, how to walk such a line is the part-art, part-science which I hope to impart to you, the reader. How can I learn more about Self-Involvement? You can learn more about the male ego and how to deal with it by reading the fifth chapter of If Men Could Talk. Find out what makes men feel good about themselves, why they don't listen, how to confront their self-involvement, and how to help them think about, and empathize with others. |
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