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	What is Shame ? Shame (boys don't cry) refers to the most common reason men do not indulge in emotional dialogues. We all know what shame feels like-it's disturbingly painful. What we don't always realize is how destructive it can be. In relationships, for example, men often project their own performance shame onto their partner. They do so by criticizing her appearance, by requesting that she wear certain clothes, or by demanding that she wear her hair a certain way when they go out. In this kind of interaction, the man is trying to get rid of feelings of shame over his own sense of inadequacy by insisting that his partner shine, so that he can feel better about himself in her reflection. The woman in this situation feels controlled and evaluated. Worst of all, she ends up feeling ashamed about her own (bodily) imperfections. When the circle of projection is thus completed (she ends up feeling what he felt at the beginning of the interaction), a terrible fight ensues. She accuses him of being critical and controlling and he accuses her of being sensitive and defensive. Clearly, this type of fight can be avoided if, at the outset, rather than focusing on his partner's performance, the man has the self-knowledge and the facility to say something to the effect of "I felt inadequate at work today." In the absence of such self-knowledge, the fight can still be avoided if the woman, in her own self-interest, comes to the man's help. How can I learn more about Shame? In If Men Could Talk I explain how my patients, both men and women cope with the problem of Shame, and what are some of the techniques I as a psychologist use to deal with it. I also try to show how you can use these techniques in your own relationship or dating situations. Asking stupid questions, using humor, philosophizing, accepting oneself and "the silent treatment" are some of these techniques.