Excerpts - 1 2 3 Excerpt #1 Men are difficult. On the surface, they often seem distant and elusive. Or loud and obnoxious. And when you try to get to know them, it often gets worse-they can become defensive and impenetrable. Indeed, unlike women, who are generally open with their feelings, most men find it extremely difficult to open up to others. But when they finally do, they invariably reveal a dramatic, bold, and amazingly vulnerable inner self. This hidden self, and the challenges it presents for the occasional visitor, is the subject of this book. As I explore the inner world of men, we will come upon multiple sightings of the central paradox on which masculinity rests: the cornerstone of man's gender identity is his feminine, not his masculine, desires. I am a clinical psychologist working primarily with men, which is unusual because most psychotherapy patients are women. So while many therapists spend their time listening to women complain about men who don't talk, don't listen, or don't understand, I spend most of my time listening to these men. And with a little bit of help, my male patients do talk, do listen, and do understand. In presenting the inner world of men, I am assuming that women will always be in the business of trying to decode male behavior. For them, it's a practical matter of improving their relationships with men-a high priority for many women. In writing this book I hope to help women to attain this goal, not by telling them what to do, but rather, by inviting them into the emotional and spiritual equivalent of the male locker room. My intention is to discuss my experiences with male patients and to share what I do, as a psychologist, when confronted with some of the troublesome aspects of male psychology. In short, I'm going to tell the "inside story" about men. But this book is not only for women. As a writer, I'd like to replicate here what I believe I have accomplished as a psychologist-to reach and connect with men. I hope, as they read about other men's struggles to break out of their emotional isolation, male readers will feel understood and moved and that what they read will mirror and nurture their own self-knowledge-nascent, secret, or not fully conscious as it may be.  (back to top) Excerpt #2 While I cannot elaborate here on the treatment of self-destructiveness, I'd like to briefly discuss a few principles which help me deal with it not only clinically but also in everyday life. By way of doing that, let's first examine and decode some of the more common interpersonal messages issued by the actions of male self-destructiveness. Actions Speak Louder than Words * Your boyfriend stands you up again. Translation: (1) I'm such a loser, (2) You have nothing important to do with your time anyway. * Your husband bought you earrings on Valentine's Day but you find a pawn note on his night table. Translation: (1) I'm such a loser, (2) I never meant to give them to you in the first place. * Your husband drives past a stop sign. Translation: (1) I'm such a loser, (2) What's the big deal, it's only your life. * You get a phone bill with repeated calls to a certain number 1-900-6969-SEX. Translation: (1) I'm such a loser, (2) What's the big deal, it's only your body. * Your husband calls you from the street-he lost his wallet and needs you to come get him. Translation: (1) I'm so disorganized, (2) Your time is mine. * Your boyfriend whispers on the phone in the other room. Translation: (1) I'm such a scum bag, (2) You are such a sucker. * Your husband mentions he's once again late to his job. Translation: (1) I'm such a loser, (2) I'm sick and tired of supporting you. * After promising a million times he'll never do it again, your husband goes out with the boys after work. He comes home at 2:00 A.M. reeking of alcohol. Translation: (1) I'm such a jackass, (2) And so are you. * Your husband forgets to put out the garbage again. Translation: (1) I'm such a baby, (2) You do it! This list, I'm afraid, is interminable, which is not even its worst characteristic. What's really bad about it is what it says about the prospects for coping with, not to mention helping, the self-destructive man. First, since he uses actions rather than words to express his feelings, this man doesn't really respond to verbal communications. Second, since his actions are inherently not only self-destructive but also destructive toward others, why would you want to be with him in the first place? Indeed, in our culture it's generally considered okay to walk away from a self-destructive man, and many of us do. But it's not always that simple, is it? The therapist, for one, cannot abandon his patient because he refuses to get better. And can a parent simply throw out of the house the drug-addicted or alcoholic son? And is it right or feasible for a loving spouse to leave her husband of twenty years because he has developed a gambling problem? And should a single woman in her thirties throw out an otherwise good and promising relationship when she realizes her boyfriend drinks too much? And should Hillary leave Bill? And what about that garbage-should you do it yourself or let it stink up the house?  (back to top) Excerpt #3 How to "confess" about sexual issues without feeling shame is a major preoccupation of men, in and out of therapy. Indeed, Jeremy was hardly my first of last patient to resort to indirect or coded language in a doomed attempt to bypass seual shame. Here's some examples. * I have some sexual anxieties. Translation: I can't get it up. * I have some sexual anxieties. Translation: I come too quickly. * It's hard for me to get close to a woman. Translation: I can't get it up. * I'm beginning to think I drink too much. Translation: I can't get it up. * I had a horrible dream which I can't even talk about. Translation: I have sexual fantasies about men. * I love women. Translation: I'm a sex addict. * I may have a thing about getting old. Translation: I'm only attracted to sixteen-year-olds. * I don't know how to put sex and love together. Translation: I love rough sex. * My wife doesn't like to experiment. Translation: I can only come if I tie her up. (back to top)