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Ask the Expert… Personal advice from the "online shrink" created by the author of IF MEN COULD TALK Q. My boyfriend and I are emotionally close and sexually active. He has no problem achieving an erection, but can not achieve an orgasm during sex. He is able to achieve an orgasm during masterbation though. Apparently this has been a problem for him for many years. Please help! A. This is the kind of question that even a virtual shrink couldn't answer without further information. What to do depends on the nature of the underlying problem, and it could be so many different things. But to start with, your boyfriend is a real man—like most of us he expresses emotional conflicts through sex, or in this case, its absence. So he's in good company and neither you nor him should feel shame or get alarmed. The good news is that since he can ejaculate while masturbating, the problem is psychological rather than physiological. Which means, it's not about sex after all. Think of it as some sort of male communications—which has little to do with you because there's history of it in other relationships. So what is he trying to say by not coming? Is it that he's afraid of his masculine aggression? Afraid of giving? Not wanting to perform? Tired of being on top? Is he afraid of losing himself in a woman and needs more space? Afraid of losing control? The best thing to do is to ask him what he thinks it's all about. And don't give up if he just says "don't know." Ask him about his fantasies when he masturbates. But then, don't get too upset by what you hear—try to translate it back into non-sexual terms. For example, suppose you find out his sexual fantasies are about "rough sex" which he doesn't feel comfortable engaging in with his actual girlfriend. This might mean that he doesn't know how to be aggressive (assertive) with women, or that he unconsciously feels emasculated by them and therefore compensates for it in his fantasy life. In that case, you can help by loving and admiring him for what you think is truly masculine about him, thus unleashing his positive male energy (forgive the new age lingo, that's really not me, but people seem to relate to it these days). In theory, if he is able to be more comfortable with his aggression—assuming that that's the problem in the first place—he'll be more likely to express it sexually and let himself come. There is room for some aggression (assertion) in sexual expression. Obviously you are not a psychologist and couldn't really evaluate what the problem is. But you can try to engage your boyfriend in open ended conversations—not only about the "sexual problem"—but also about what you and him think are related, non-sexual issues. Talking may help, and can never hurt, as long as it's done in a supportive, patient, genuine and caring manner. If none of this help, suggest he go to see a therapist, and offer to go with him if he'd like you to. It goes without saying that if this problem really bothers you—even if for some reason it doesn't bother your boyfriend—you are entitled to insist that something should be done. Don't suppress your needs in order to be nice to him. Without knowing more, I would bet there are other issues for your boyfriend or in the relationship that might be related to this problem. So therapy might be useful in more than one way. This is not to say that you won't be able to figure it out without therapy or that there is a problem in your relationship that is not simply part of being in a relationship. Finally, if you want to take a more concrete approach, try using a male sexuality book such as Male Sexual Awareness by Barry McCarthy. Q. My husband and I are attorneys in a large Washington DC firm. Two years ago my husband had an affair with a young paralegal from the firm. He ended up telling me about it and asked for my forgiveness. I forgave him and we were able to go back to normal. But one thing still bothers me when I think about it. At the time, when I asked him about the details of the affair, it came out that he was able to be more sexually aggressive with that woman and that he can't do that with me. This really bothers me. Our sex life is good but not great, and it's very tame. What should I do? A. When Jupiter, the father of all gods, wanted to have an extramarital affair with the young Europa, he took on the form of a bull, kidnapped the girl and carried her on his back to a far away land. "Do Majesty and love go well together/ Or linger in one dwelling? Hardly," says the poet Ovid about Jupiter's transformation. Translation: Many men cannot integrate an aggressive sexuality into their marriage, refusing, so to speak, to objectify their spouse. So they unleash "the bull within" only outside their primary relationship or in fantasy life. As you know only too well, this often has disastrous consequences What should you do? I hate that question! I don't know what you should do. Perhaps you should ask Hillary-she ought to know something about this. Well, forgive my irritability. Some things just get to me, for example not having a solution to a problem. But let me try anyway. I think you should ask yourself this question: Do I want to be a young paralegal or a law partner? Do I want to be a bottom or a top? A slut or a lady? I want to be both, I can hear you say. Okay, fair enough, we all do. So can you be one in the bedroom, the other in the boardroom? You see, you can't fix your husband's Madonna/whore split, but to the extent that you can be both he might take you up on it. Good luck in finding the ever-illusive middle. |
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